Saturday, July 7, 2007

The Process of a Miracle: A 30 Day Experiment - Day Four

Day Four...Spiritual Detox

I couldn't kip last night.

My head was a clutter of emotional rags replaying the years events over and over in the composure of "insomnia."

Yesterday, Iodine cleaned out quite a spot of the physical leftovers of my past. That nighttime as each old memory resurfaced shedding layer after layer of emotion. What was concealment beneath all this was nil I had considered but never the less revealed itself.

The attic; The bottomless cavity inside my head that hid within its shadows; those soundless tentacles that slithered out of its darkness, encircling themselves around me absorbing me firmly in the past.

I was about to undergo a Spiritual detox.

It was about 11:00am before I finally felt tired adequate to fall asleep. At this point I felt empty and a spot scared of what the consequence of releasing so much emotional disturbance would be.

I never lived without the contorted creature comforts of my beliefs and letting spell of so much in such as a short amount of clip left me feeling empty. Fear may turn within the emptiness of uncertainty….

But so makes my spirit.

I drop asleep instantly but not in to the deep la-la fantasy of candy land dreams. Inside me the pieces of myself I had imprisoned within the deepest portion of my beingness prepared themselves for the conflict of my freedom. To face the fat slothfulness of my egotism which sat heavily upon my spirit munching away on a hot manipulate ice-cream sundae of my pain.

It was clip for me to be released.

I had served my sentence.

I had willingly done my clip and it was clip for me to take my freedom back.

It seemed that I was awake but asleep… if that's level possible. I was in the kitchen of my flat and something kept playing fast ones on me. The kitchen stove would travel on without me turning it on. Things kept appearing and reappearing. It was just freaky.

When I awoke spots and pieces were still with me but mostly I didn't retrieve what it was about. I couldn't really do sense of the leftovers that lingered, so into the kitchen I went to acquire a cup of coffee. As I'm standing there still half asleep Iodine expression at my stove…and Iodine retrieve the dream.

I retrieve how the kitchen stove was combustion something and I now saw what it was. I looked around me and I saw it all. Every memory of every event I felt I was a victim of….

The metallic element divot on the kitchen stove from Mike, The first serious fellow I ever had who cheated on me again and again.

The vase from the flat where I first stuck a acerate leaf in my arm.

The carpet in my sleeping room with the fire holes from nodding out.

The clothing from Volition who had beaten, raped and imprisoned me for years.

The jewellery from Karl who treated me like a inexpensive pornography star.

On and on the listing went. It was all there with me now.

The self-deceit.

The lies.

The torture.

The insecurity.

The jealously.

The anger.

The resentment.

The self-pity.

The disillusion.

The disappointment.

The lost hopes of my dreams.

The absolute boiling hate of myself that oozed out from these lesions infecting every action Iodine displayed throughout my life.

I had voluntary carried it all with me never understanding or comprehending for a minute it all represented...


It was everything Iodine never wanted my life to be and everything my life was.

I cried.

I cried for the load of shame I silently carried into maturity of the adult male who molested me.

I cried for the small miss that felt so ugly and unloved.

I cried for the miss I grew into who settled for the tabular array remnants of love tossed to me by work force that I allowed to abused me.

I cried for the adult female I became who was determined to destruct herself.

I'm crying as I compose this, because I cognize I don't have got to maintain this anymore. I don't have got to transport any of it. Every spot and piece of the hurting is not a load I take to follow me into the future.

I'm free.

I take me.

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