New Shoes

A new brace of gym shoes once were the most charming things in the world. I retrieve believing that somehow and in someway they transformed me into the fastest child on the block.

I would race up and down the stairs. In and out the presence door. Down the block as fast as my small legs could take me.

Pigtails bopping. Wind rushing by.

I was unstoppable.

It wasn't till I got a spot aged did I recognize that a new brace of place didn't made me any faster. Only that the exhilaration of the thought made them look that way. As I grew aged the thought grew littler until one twenty-four hours I never thought much of charming or charming shoes.

I never thought of the escapade they used to carry. Never thought of the topographic points I once believed they would convey me to. Never realized that it was never the place themselves
....only me.

I have got placed a batch of importance on things outside myself for much of my life. Never recognized in all the beauty, all the wonder, all of the things Iodine looked at with such as awe were not outside of me....

They simply reflected all of what was inside of me.

I was the magic and I forgot. But it was still there. It's always been there.

I still felt within the darkness of nighttime the silver, silence of the moon gazing down from above. I still felt the love in the heat of the sun that streamed down caressing and gently nudging everything to life.

I felt the magic....but felt apart from it.

Beliefs that life carried and which I take to drag along for the drive left no room for the magic. Only the inexorable and black mentality of the acrimonious experiences of those that had also forgot they too were the magic.

Trudging along the ways of my life I would sometimes catch glimpses.

The firery detonation of the sun as it sucumbed to the night. Butterflies dance together high into the deep bluish of the afternoon sky. The odor of a thousand dreamings carried within the sugariness of a springtime breeze.

It was always there inside me.
It was still present in the manner I saw things. In the manner I felt things.

I saw the absolute flawlessness of beauty reflected in every moment; yet felt weak in the expansive designing of it all.

A batch of people have got asked me what will go on at this thirty twenty-four hours mark? Volition Iodine go on to write? Volition Iodine widen the experimentation further?

When I initially started this experimentation I had no thought of the manner my life would be effected. I did not have got at the clip an ability to gestate a life more then the 1 I had lived. I could not see past the very restrictions I had created in my perceptual experience of the world. But I was willingly to take these limitations.

Willing to happen another way. Willing to detect the magic again. Willing to happen myself again.

In a dark, dim corner filled with more than hopelessness then trust is where this all began. My experience have revealed to me that the emptiness of hopelessness was actually the trips of hope stirring from deep within

There is never a beginning or an end only the changeless of change. I simply take to let the adjacent portion of my life to blossom before me as I go on forth in this procedure of discovery.

I look back at where I was and where I am now and happen myself astonied at how I have got traveled so far from the beginning. It all moved so quickly once I decided that my life was going to change for the better.

This is not the end...only the beginning. Iodine get again from the end..to detect more than then I ever imagined.

Zoom...zoom.

Look at how fast I go.

Grief And Loss, My Story

I've been authorship these sorts of narratives for about 10 old age now. I started handing them out to clients in my therapy pattern to see how they would react. Their responses were typically positive. Those in heartache knew right away how their loss had affected them and they reported finding comfortableness here in these words.

A few old age ago, I establish out for myself what an impact these narratives could have got when I went through the heartache of losing my mother. That event tossed me into a state where unhappiness and loss were my chief companions. I stayed there for many months. Re-reading the narratives and contemplations brought me hope. They provided comfortableness when I turned to them. I was reminded that my gift for authorship had come up from above, that these narratives had arrived via "cosmic e-mail," and they could profit anyone, including myself.

At first, I couldn't understand why I had been "selected" for this. Then it occurred to me that, to this point, this had been my life theme. Seeking comfortableness for myself through my ain trials and trials had steered me towards guidance and therapy where I brought comfortableness to others because I knew how they felt. I "knew" these experiences from the interior out.

I'm not in those fortune anymore. My heart, which had been badly bruised in earlier years, have been mending nicely for some time. I had to allow travel of my private pattern because I'd given too much, and not conserved enough emotional energy for my ain needs. Burnout is a very tough lesson.

Here I am at this phase in my life, reflecting on what I've done and wondering where to travel next. These narratives and contemplations come up back to me now in a vastly different way. I see them as a gift to myself and to those agony through their ain losses. Having been there a few more than modern times lately, I think it's clock to share once again. My last large loss was my calling and, as a result, I've had to larn how to reconstruct myself into the individual I'm supposed to be now, as per the Cosmic Plan.

Currently, my life is more than about giving, caring and, yes, "receiving." That's a large word nowadays. So many of us workaholics were too busy slamming into walls to see the virtue of that one. Not to worry, I'm in good company. Thousands more people are colliding with their several walls these days. If it isn't work related "burnout," then it's the decease of a household member or friend. Climbing the ladder of success for hand clapping or that corner business office have lost its luster. So many people are now saying "I don't believe so, not anymore." All of those ends that "invite" and then "take us apart" are semblances of course. I, like so many, was seduced into believing that this was the right path; till we crashed.

This book is for "lovers," for people who desire to fall back in love with their Self, in the healthy sense, in the artistic and ingenious sense, in the manner that Supreme Being designed us. "In His Image" right? Well, so it states in the good book. Let's return a near expression shall we. Are we here just for ourselves, or to do a contribution? Are we here to soar up with the eagles, or to fire up like a falling satellite? What's our narrative anyhow? Let's inquire that and see what replies we come up up with.

Yes, let's look at ourselves more than closely and ask: "What makes Grief have got got got to learn me?" Let's human face it, when the bits are down and we don't have friends to attain out to, then we have very little. Because what Grief says, loud and clear, is: "You can't make this alone." And that is it in a nutshell. Let this book be your "friend" for now, while you travel out there and obtain some comfortableness and loving, the sort of friendly relationship that volition remind you: "You are not alone." He'll be there waiting for you, in whatever "shape" you require. Count on that and: "Believe."

The Process of a Miracle: A 30 Day Experiment - Day Four

Day Four...Spiritual Detox

I couldn't kip last night.

My head was a clutter of emotional rags replaying the years events over and over in the composure of "insomnia."

Yesterday, Iodine cleaned out quite a spot of the physical leftovers of my past. That nighttime as each old memory resurfaced shedding layer after layer of emotion. What was concealment beneath all this was nil I had considered but never the less revealed itself.

The attic; The bottomless cavity inside my head that hid within its shadows; those soundless tentacles that slithered out of its darkness, encircling themselves around me absorbing me firmly in the past.

I was about to undergo a Spiritual detox.

It was about 11:00am before I finally felt tired adequate to fall asleep. At this point I felt empty and a spot scared of what the consequence of releasing so much emotional disturbance would be.

I never lived without the contorted creature comforts of my beliefs and letting spell of so much in such as a short amount of clip left me feeling empty. Fear may turn within the emptiness of uncertainty….

But so makes my spirit.

I drop asleep instantly but not in to the deep la-la fantasy of candy land dreams. Inside me the pieces of myself I had imprisoned within the deepest portion of my beingness prepared themselves for the conflict of my freedom. To face the fat slothfulness of my egotism which sat heavily upon my spirit munching away on a hot manipulate ice-cream sundae of my pain.

It was clip for me to be released.

I had served my sentence.

I had willingly done my clip and it was clip for me to take my freedom back.

It seemed that I was awake but asleep… if that's level possible. I was in the kitchen of my flat and something kept playing fast ones on me. The kitchen stove would travel on without me turning it on. Things kept appearing and reappearing. It was just freaky.

When I awoke spots and pieces were still with me but mostly I didn't retrieve what it was about. I couldn't really do sense of the leftovers that lingered, so into the kitchen I went to acquire a cup of coffee. As I'm standing there still half asleep Iodine expression at my stove…and Iodine retrieve the dream.

I retrieve how the kitchen stove was combustion something and I now saw what it was. I looked around me and I saw it all. Every memory of every event I felt I was a victim of….

The metallic element divot on the kitchen stove from Mike, The first serious fellow I ever had who cheated on me again and again.

The vase from the flat where I first stuck a acerate leaf in my arm.

The carpet in my sleeping room with the fire holes from nodding out.

The clothing from Volition who had beaten, raped and imprisoned me for years.

The jewellery from Karl who treated me like a inexpensive pornography star.

On and on the listing went. It was all there with me now.

The self-deceit.

The lies.

The torture.

The insecurity.

The jealously.

The anger.

The resentment.

The self-pity.

The disillusion.

The disappointment.

The lost hopes of my dreams.

The absolute boiling hate of myself that oozed out from these lesions infecting every action Iodine displayed throughout my life.

I had voluntary carried it all with me never understanding or comprehending for a minute it all represented...

THE PAIN.

It was everything Iodine never wanted my life to be and everything my life was.

I cried.

I cried for the load of shame I silently carried into maturity of the adult male who molested me.

I cried for the small miss that felt so ugly and unloved.

I cried for the miss I grew into who settled for the tabular array remnants of love tossed to me by work force that I allowed to abused me.

I cried for the adult female I became who was determined to destruct herself.

I'm crying as I compose this, because I cognize I don't have got to maintain this anymore. I don't have got to transport any of it. Every spot and piece of the hurting is not a load I take to follow me into the future.

I'm free.

I take me.

The Process Of A Miracle... An Experiment Of Sorts

Is it possible to change one's life in the course of thirty days? To have such transformations occur in which the seemingly limited capacity of comprehension can stretch past it's own boundaries into the untapped potential of possibilities?
I intend to find out through this experiment!

A miracle defined, is an event that is unexplained by the laws of nature... Ok, so what does that mean?

My own interpretation follows this line of reason; that my own view of my personal circumstances or situations openly enter into the realm of the unknown. Deep within the prison cell of my beliefs, my perceptions freely expand to experience life at another level, beyond the depths of reason.

Essentially my beliefs become non-existent in the ever-increasing freedom of my awareness. The potential power of the universe unleashes itself to manifest within my life as an event ,

Only to be described by myself as well as others as a miracle.

So what is this miracle transformation I am intending to occur within the next thirty days? In order for that to be clear I need to explain the current situation or my perception of it for that matter.

I made a decision two years ago that I would go to any lengths to completely change my life. To discard ALL of the beliefs about what I learned or thought I knew. Permitting myself to heal from the limitations I clung to in desperation; living my life in the cesspool of heroin addiction.

I lived in the shadows of existence in a paper bag of hopelessness, fighting for years to stop. Each failed attempt only reinforced the reality of my life as the expression of the cliché

"Once a junkie, always a junkie."

On September 4th, 2005… Instead of fighting the addiction… I began to fight for me. Understanding that the person reflected back to me in the mirror was not who I wanted to be or anything close to I really was.

In order to reclaim the bits and pieces of who I truly was I need I needed a new canvas of life to paint myself on. I needed to forget every belief I held in my consciousness. Thus initiating the process of the miracle to occur within my own personal existence. The re-creation of myself, which simply is the person I am today.

Some may not understand this as a miracle or even dismiss it as one. For those who have had the effects of addiction within their own or by default by those they love; know that it's a miracle. Because the sad, sad truth of addiction is that more die and suffer in it's prison, then those who escape to freedom.

On September 4, 2007, it will be exactly two years since I stuck that needle in my arm for the last time. My life since then has become more then anything I had ever believed possible and continues to be so. I believe I can initiate yet another miracle at this point in time simply because I made a decision that it will be so.

Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote,

"Once you make a decision, the universe conspires to make it happen."

I know this to be true for my life is a physical manifestation of the decision I made close to two years ago. It was not easy, very unpleasant at times. But I had the willingness and allowed this process by permitting a "Higher Power" to set the ground rules. Initially this was the staff at the Detox, then the counselor's in rehab and those running the outpatient facility.

I surrendered my life of distorted self-sufficiency to that of the welfare system. I relinquished my life to anyone and anything that had more of a clue how to live other then myself. I finally understood, what I knew about life equaled roughly ten hospital Detox's, three trips to rehabs and several outpatient facilities a trip to jail and too much self inflicted misery..

I'm smart, but my intelligence had nothing to do with creating the life I dreamed of as a little girl. In fact I had created the exact opposite…. a freaking nightmare not only for me but all those that had the unfortunate experience of crossing my path during the years of my active addiction. To put it simply, I was NOT a nice person.

Today I am closer to the person I want to be, closer to the person I really am. But at the moment I'm flailing, I really have no clue. Another junction in the so-called crossroads of life and the signpost are blank. You see this is all new to me, I have not yet written any pages in this part of the book of my life. A wise man by the name "Rev." once told me,

"Life is a book. Each day we write a page in this book by virtue of our behaviors. No erasures allowed!"

I can't change anything that I may have done in my life weather it be good bad or indifferent. But I can write a new story from this point on. I have the power to re-create my life and
re-create myself.

I chose to heal. Heal myself from all the mis-information I gathered from all the other mis-informed people by default. I made a decision choosing what I wanted to experience in this life, instead of clinging to the hopes I allowed others to paint my dreams on.

Those that know me, know that after working at my job for close to two years I just quit. That little voice within spoke volumes of truth that echoed through the illusion of the reality I held on to. I couldn't ignored the truth that no one would have the power for me to live my dreams, except me.

I always thought of "risk" as something in which I would lose something. What I've come to realize though is risk is what I don't stand to gain if not seized when it presents itself as the opportunity of change.

I'm not interested in slaving away at a job for years waiting for the day I retire to "then" live the life I want. I'm not interested in living each day chasing after the illusion of tomorrow and all that it promises, because I lose today.

That's what happened I worked like a dog for the past year and a half, barely scraping by. Thinking it was the way to get where I wanted in life. But there is no "there" so to speak, there is only here. And I want every moment "here" to be one in which reflects a life lived in the unlimited possibilities and not one lived in limitations.

So now here is where I explain the reason for this experiment. The day I walked out of my job, I had no back up plan and no idea of what was going to happen. All I knew that another chapter of my life was about to be written and it was not going to be a chapter I already lived.
I started a website, an initial step in creating more of what I preferred in life. Using my artistic talents to do SOMETHING.

But I had a thought, which then led to an idea, which then led to my website. I think it has potential, I know I have potential. I just need a catalyst to "Start" the reaction.
That's where this experiment comes in. Is it possible to reach over one million people with one idea? To have others read this and participate in the process of a miracle unfolding? I believe so, but I need to know who else believes in the possibilities.

I send out a lot of e-mails and I get a pretty good response with some of these experiments and now I'm taking it to the next level.

I believe this is a kind, generous universe. I believe that for a majority of us we all want people to succeed, to be happy, to be prosperous. We all want this for ourselves as well.

When watching a movie we all cheer for the little guy that risks it all for a dream. Yet when the movies end we all forget that we too have the same desires for our own dreams. The daily bump and grind on the treadmill of "what is" extinguishes away any of the hopes that were sparked.

So how can this truth become a manifestation of a miracle?

With belief, with your participation I know that this can be evident in the results. I'm asking that only others that believe or even want to believe to be part of this.

With an experiment there needs to be a system of measurement right? So how can one measure a miracle?

This at the moment is how I plan on it. I want anyone interested to visit a page in my website. The link is:

http://winksandgiggles.com/Lil_Angels.html

On this page is a bunch of little angels I've made, but there's one in particular that will be the system of measurement. A little angel with "I Believe Miracles are Possible" in the description. I also welcome any POSITIVE feedback, ideas or suggestions

So the intention is there, the idea has been unleashed into the universe at large. Now all that needs to happen is simply the process of the miracle to unfold. Is it possible for me to remove myself from obscurity? To have my intentions realized by this message as it ripples through the universe? To have the intention return to me as the manifestation of the life that resonates as the truth of the life I choose to live?

Will you be "a part" of this or "apart" from the promise of a miracle in your own life? The choice is yours. As for me I already made the decision that this will reach exactly who it needs to in order for this to occur.

The truth of the matter is that if this becomes possible for me then it becomes possible for you. This may scare people because sometimes people would rather just float through life on a cloud of blame in order to dismiss the truth of what they can really be or do. I say this because that truth has been self evident in the results that my life have produced

In the next thirty days I will post the results daily and I invite you all to be part of this. In the meantime, expect nothing less then miracles!

Empathy 101: What to Say to Your Upset Friend

The trauma resulting from my near death, passing of my mother-in-law, mother, father, and unborn son was a real strain on our marriage. Michael and I had married just 6 months before the losses began, and I felt robbed of a normal honeymoon period. Making matters worse was our drastically differing coping styles: I was openly a wreck while he did not express as much angst. This difficulty was compounded by the fact that I was in more anguish than he was. Michael, unfortunately, simply did not know how to respond to me, even if I was his wife.

It is now nearing the 8th anniversary of the worst day of my life—that day on which my father was crushed by a flying empty tank on the highway, I went into cardiac arrest, and our unborn son died. While nothing can be done to remove the horrid memory of that day, I'm happy to report that this loneliness…this inability to speak comfort to one another, is no longer a problem for us. However, the road to truly "being there" for each other wasn't randomly stumbled upon. My husband had to literally be trained on what to say, and I had to learn to give him some grace when he just didn't get it.

As I travel and speak, it is not uncommon for hurting people to approach me after the event. It seems these folks fall into one of two groups: 1) those wounded by life, and 2) those wounded by their seemingly inability to handle the hardship of their hurting loved one. Now several years later, I finally see that I wasn't the only one in turmoil back then. Indeed, only a truly sick person can stomach the sight of the one they cherish in pain. Watching in horror and not knowing what to do can be almost as hard as living the nightmare.

So what can be done to help your hurting friend? Of first importance is hearing the struggling person's story. We can assist them by repeating back what they have said with new clarity. The main goal is to keep the conversation from shutting down with statements that imply "This about me." People say this when they communicate, "I already know how you feel because the same thing happened to me," or "You hurt me too!" You can keep the healing process going if you avoid telling the other person that they are wrong or stupid. Phrases like, "This isn't so bad." "All things happen for a reason," or "God must have a special plan for you and that's why this is happening," will leave the person feeling invalidated. Such statements have been known to deepen the sadness, as this is the natural rebellion against such ignorant displays of insensitivity. It's a vicious cycle: the hurting expresses pain→ someone responds without empathy, usually without meaning to→ the pain is increased for both parties, and round and round we go.

Instead of making matters worse, we can ask for more information and agree that what is occurring is, in fact, very difficult. We can point to the good—both in them and in the possibilities for a better day. Hope is always present, but we mustn't rush the processing of pain.

And so here is a basic map for you—a little acronym you can think of the next time you come across a friend in pain. Remember it when you attend your next funeral. Use it when a colleague shares her devastating news. Memorize it for times when your spouse comes home feeling angry or depleted.

M. is for More—say something that will encourage the other person to keep talking. A thoughtful question will usually do the trick. Just make sure your inquiries aren't loaded with your own opinions, and you will have made a huge stride in being there for the one you care about. In short, find a way to get them to open up about their story.

A. is for Agree—As I sat on a four hour flight to speak on this very topic, I found it a challenge to find common ground with the atheist sitting next to me; however, it wasn't that hard once I made a concerted effort to find general themes we could agree upon. No matter how crazy the idea might seem to you, there is some aspect of the story you can identify with. If nothing else, you can say, "Yep. That is a problem. I have no idea what needs to be done about that, but I'm glad you are thinking it over," or "I agree that should not have happened."

M. is for More—repeat trying to get more information.

A. is for Agree—find another aspect of their experience that you can validate.

G. is for Good—point to something good about how the hurting person is handling the situation or a possible positive outcome that might be yet to come. Try "This must be so hard. I can't believe how well you are coping," or "I don't understand why this happened, but I'm looking forward to seeing the good that is in your future." I liked it when a friend said to me, "I can only imagine how you feel. I know I don't know if I could make it through this, but you obviously are." After you have heard your loved one out and have validated their experience and feelings, you will have earned the right to speak hope into their situation. Try this before doing the leg work, and they'll likely tune you out. The hurting person simply MUST be heard.

I call this little map that leads to empathy and healing "MAMA G," and I'm going to guess that the Brost household isn't the only one in need of her wisdom. Perhaps you would like to make a bed for MAMA G and let her move in with you. She might not do the dishes but she will extinguish blazing tempers and heal old wounds.

One thing's for sure, whoever you are, wherever you've been, wherever you will go, as long as you walk this earth hard times will come and hard times will go. For some of us, it feels as though the hardship never lets up. And yet, if we offer love to others and do it in such a way that they can feel secure in our presence, we might just heal together.